Directory Writing Workshops

Writing Workshop: Fine Art of Writing

Dancing Word Writers Workshop

with Bryan Davis

 January 28, 2006

Hosted by: Anne McDonald

Dancing Word Publisher/Editor

*This chat has been edited for clarity

Anne McDonald: I'll open in prayer, go over protocol, then introduce our workshop professor..

Lord, thank You so much for loving us so much that You take care of small details in our lives... thank You for calling us to write. Help us use our talents in a way that will bless You and others... Bless each of our participants today, and also those who couldn't join us... Especially bless Bryan and give him rest and restoration... In Jesus, name, Amen.

Protocol reminder: Please type ! for comments, ? for questions and ga (short for go ahead) after you have finished typing. Wait to be called on in turn...

Today, I'm honored to introduce a fantasy writer that has made my family sit up and pay attention. Please welcome Bryan Davis.

* Anne McDonald leads the applause

Anne McDonald: Welcome, Bryan. How would you like to handle the workshop? Teach a section and then ask for questions?

*Anne McDonald turns the floor over to Bryan

Bryan Davis: I think I'd like audience participation with each point, if that's okay.

Anne McDonald: What ever you'd like. I'll follow your lead.

* Anne McDonald takes her seat and settles in with her notebook

Bryan Davis: Since I don't know how adept the writers are, I'll assume a range from beginner to intermediate. When I teach young writers, I notice that the most often missed technique is the art of Show, Don't Tell. That means that you need to show what's going on through action rather than telling it through narrative. This is especially effective with emotions. For example, here's a sentence that tells and emotion ...”I didn’t do it,” Carol said angrily. “You’re not being fair.”

I have told you that Carol is angry.  If I wanted to show you that Carol is angry, here's a way I would write it ... Carol banged her fist on the table. "I didn’t do it!" She spun around and crossed her arms. "You’re not being fair!" In this example, I didn't tell you that Carol is angry. I showed it to you through her actions. This gives us two advantages. One, it gives us a visual in our minds. We can see this happening.

Two, it gives us emotional common ground. Since many of us have been angry enough to bang our fists, we know what that emotion feels like. We can feel the sense of injustice Carol feels because we may have spun around and crossed our arms. We can feel Carol's angst and anger. So this kind of showing is much more gripping than simply using the adverb, angrily. I'll give an example you can work on.

Okay, here's another sentence that tells: John felt a surge of embarrassment. "I can’t believe I did that!

I have told you that John is embarrassed. You can't see it, and you can't feel it with him. I would like you to rewrite this using showing. Don't use the word embarrassment or any form of it. Write from John's point of view. What would you feel? What body language would you show? What would you do? Let's see what you come up with

Ashleys twin: I turned around as my face turned red. "I can't believe I just did that."

Anne McDonald: John felt the blood rush to his face. "I can't believe I just did that.

Bryan Davis: I'll comment on the two that have been given. Ashleys twin wrote one that indicated a desire to hide. I like that. ...She also wrote that his face turned red. This is a picky critique, but if this is John's point of view, what would be wrong with saying that his face turned red?

Anne McDonald: He can't see himself unless he's looking in a mirror.

Bryan Davis: Exactly right. And Annie wrote her sentence in that way. Annie said that he felt his blood rush to his head. I didn't talk about Point of View, but when we are writing as if we are a certain character, we should write as though we are in his mind, in his skin. John can't see his own face, but he can feel the heat and pressure from the blood rush. Can you see that, Ashleys twin?

Ashleys twin: yes sir.

Noelle: have him put his hand to his forehead... slaps it

Remade Gold: John smacked his forehead. "Idiot..." he muttered to himself.

Bryan Davis: Yep. That works. I can see it and feel it. So, this lesson on show, don't tell should help you to liven up your writing.

Anne McDonald: How about: John wished he could crawl into a hole. "I can't believe I did that."

Bryan Davis:I like that, too. The feeling of wanting to hide is a strong embarrassment factor. Here's one that a student did in one class that I liked a lot ... John slid down in his chair. "I can't believe I did that!" I know that feeling well.

Okay, on to the next lesson. I think a topic that's often missed is the importance of specifics versus generalities. Putting in simple specifics help a story seem real. For example, at the most general level, you might write, "The boy ate dinner." I can't picture that. You might want to change it to ... The pencil-thin boy wolfed three biscuits and washed them down with two tall glasses of milk.

That second sentence, "The pencil-thin boy wolfed three biscuits and washed them down with two tall glasses of milk." gives us a vivid image. The first sentence does not, because it's too general. Young writers often don't get specific because they can picture an image in their minds and they forget that the readers might not be able to.

So, here's another sentence to work on. The man drove his car to work. There are four general words here: man, drove, car, and work. Rewrite the sentence and give me specifics. Go crazy if you want.

Webb kids: Do you always have to put in specifics?

Ashleys twin: The young man drove his 1999 Ford Mustang to work early Monday morning after picking up a biscuit and a soda for breakfast.

Bryan Davis: Not always. This is an exercise. Okay, Ashleys twin. I'll comment on that in a minute.

Noelle: The wide eyed man raced his car past the cops since he was running late to work

Webb kids: Robert drove his B.M.W to LifeWay.

Anne McDonald: Mike swung his battered Chevy Nova into his parking spot into the employee parking lot. “Whew, just in time today.” He grabbed his apron and rushed into the pizza parlor.

Bryan Davis: These are good. Keep it up.

Remade Gold: Jared raced down the sidewalk and around the corner. He nearly pulled the door off getting into the car. For the thousanth time this morning he yearned for wings as he threw the Miata into reverse and squealed out of the driveway. A female shriek made him slam the brakes.Dark leather filled his mirror. "Bonnie! I'm late! How'd you get in--"

Bryan Davis: I love it!

Galactic: The wiry, thin businessman drove his aging four door car from his suburban home to the tall office building downtown. I seem to have made a smaller one compared to everyone else.

Bryan Davis: Okay. I'll comment on a few of these.

Batty: With a twist of the car doorhandle, a gentle man stepped out of his corvette, his polished black shoes hit the disease-ridden filth of the underground parking garage, it was time to get to work.

Bryan Davis: Ashleys twin -- That was good. I like Mustangs. I could picture that exact model, so the visual was good

Ashleys twin: thank you.

Bryan Davis:The one you missed was "work." I can't picture that. I need something more specific.

Ashleys twin: okay.

Bryan Davis: Always try to remember that your reader can't see what you're thinking. We have to paint that picture.

Ashleys twin: yes sir.

Bryan Davis: Noelle, I like the wide-eyed man. I can see his fear. Really cool.

Noelle: thanks

Bryan Davis: You had the same generality with "work." Maybe you were keeping his workplace secret? :-) Webb_kids, I could picture the BMW and Lifeway. Those are specific. Good job. We assume that we already know who Robert is from earlier in the story, so that's good, too.

Webb kids: Thanks. DB thought of LifeWay, HK typed it out. I'm Lisse. lol

Bryan Davis: I was wondering about "drove." Did he speed, careen, clunk, sputter? Even verbs sometimes need something more specific. Okay, Annie. Now for yours.

Webb kids: Hmm. I'd rather have him swerving between lanes and DB says accelerating.

Bryan Davis: Annie, I thought it was great. I could see every step.

* Annie McDonald beams

Bryan Davis: But I have to find something wrong with it, right?

Anne McDonald: sure, go ahead

Bryan Davis: You used, "parking" twice. I'd eliminate the first one.

Anne McDonald: good point, thanks.

Bryan Davis: Other than that, I loved it. Now, on to Remade's. Since she used characters from my series, I have to give her an "A." But Jared would never drive a Miata. :-)

* Remade Gold snickers

Webb kids: lol You'd know. I really liked it. I could see it too.

Bryan Davis: You did a great job with visuals, Remmie. Good work. Now for Galactic. I could picture most of that, Galactic. Not bad. But when you wrote, "aging," what did you picture in your mind?

Galactic: Old, basically. I should have pointed out a detail or two

Bryan Davis: Did you see rust, dents, etc? Maybe it could backfire, clank a bit, or something similar.

Galactic: I wasn't picturing weathering on the vehicle, I suppose something to do with the motor would be it

Bryan Davis: Yes. A malfunctioning motor would show us it's aging.

Galactic: Perhaps some dull paint on the car as well

Bryan Davis: Yep. Whatever image is in your mind. Now on to Bat. Disease ridden filth? Gross! What was his work, Bat? I also want to point out that you said he was gentle.

Bat: His work? Some shady dealings down there.

Bryan Davis: What does a gentle man look like? I can't picture that.

Bat: quite a contrast from disease-ridden filth

Bryan Davis: Bat, maybe he is carrying a handkerchief and covers his nose. Maybe he tiptoes over the black puddles.

Bat: maybe

Bryan Davis: This gives us a feeling of gentility, rather than you just telling us. Does that make sense?

Anne McDonald: (maybe he cringes at the muck splattering his Italian leather shoes)

Bryan Davis: Good point, Annie. Webb-kids, did you have a comment?

Bat: thank you, Bryan.

Webb kids DB: Devin drove his 2004 Ferarri very slowly, very quietly onto the driveway, where he saw a girl, outside, playing. He started to take out his gun to slay the next-to-last dragon.

Bryan Davis: Cool. Can anyone think of a replacement verb for "drove very slowly"?

Noelle: creeped

Remade Gold: cra-a-awl-led......

Bryan Davis: Good! Both are good!

Ashleys twin: inched

Bryan Davis: Great!

Galactic: staggered

Bryan Davis: This would be the next part of my lesson--picking the right verb.

Bat: crept

Bryan Davis: Sometimes we're tempted to use a common verb and dress it up with an adverb. Instead of drove slowly, crept would be much better. Another example, walked slowly, might be "sneaked" if that is what your character was doing.

Webb kids: how about, "eased on the brakes"?

Anne McDonald: how about: coasted his car into the driveway?

Bryan Davis: That works, and so does the one Webb_kids suggested. Whenever you use an adverb (an -ly word), take a look at your verb to see if it can be made more specific or vivid.

KC: I hope you haven't answered this already:) since I was late. I tend to use words like such, always, and only. How can I change them?

Bryan Davis: KC, try to think of a sentence, and I'll try to suggest a change. Sometimes, it's tough to replace a verb. Sometimes an adverb is simply the best way to go.

KC: Ok. Like: It was only she and her mom now.

Bryan Davis: But whenever you use one, it should raise a flag that signals you to take a look at your verb. Anyone want to tackle KC's sentence? I'll think about it for a second.

Anne McDonald: She and her mom were all that was left of the family.

Noelle: It was just her and her mom after the accident

KC: (just is another word I use often)

Bryan Davis: How about, "She hugged her mom close. Their shadows became one across the empty floor, lost and alone." Being alone

Webb kids: It was her and her mom left now.

Bryan Davis: Scratch those last two words.

KC: Whoa. That's good.

Remade Gold: Her dad died last year from a disease that was supposedly wiped out fifty years ago, and her brother and sister had their own families to attend. Christmas just keeps shrinking by the year, she thought. Mom thought the same.

Bryan Davis: Leave it to Remmie to give all the gory details!

Bat: Her mother and her were all alone now.

KC: (Would it help to see it in context?)

Bryan Davis: Yes. How long is it?

KC: I can make it short. She hated that one of the few confidants she had in her life had left her. Now she only had her mom. No one else to call family. (I guess I've already edited it. Still. Needs help.)

Bryan Davis: I wrote my solution as a pure "show, don't tell" solution. I like to feel stuff like that.

Anne McDonald: Now her family consisted of mom.

Bryan Davis: Short and sweet. Gives you a feeling of loneliness.

Noelle: Her mom was the remaining member in her family (???) She felt alone as her mom was all she had left... ??

Bryan Davis: Can we come up with a way to Show this? Like I did with the hugging and shadows? If anyone wants to give it a try, just give me a !

KC: (the mom isn't with her in this scene, btw)

Noelle: She felt alone as her mom, all she had left, pulled her in close in a warm hug...oh

Bryan Davis: KC, where is her dad?

KC: Her dad is out of the picture - she's talking about her grandpa, who has just died

Bryan Davis: Okay. Let me think about it.

Webb kids: Lisse: Glaring up towards the ceiling, she sat on her bed. She shook her head, trying to believe yet another family member was gone, leaving her mom.

Bryan Davis: KC, I try to use symbols to show feelings, a memento, a photo, a piece of jewelry, something that means a lot to the person. Lisse, that was nice. KC will have to decide if it fits.

KC: sorry to monopolize so much time - you can move on :)

Remade Gold: She put down the phone and sighed. The sun had gone down, and the house grew dark around her. Shadows crept over her. Moonlight painted eerie pictures on the walls. She clenched her fist and looked again at the phone. Mom. But it was so late...She pushed the receiver and cradle away and shrugged off to bed.

Bryan Davis: KC, using a specifc example helps us all to learn.

KC: (hehe)

Bryan Davis: Remade just drew a tear to my eye! I think Remade's example is good to study. Notice how she used darkness and shadows to set the mood. She also used the phone for a symbol of communication. Very cool!

Ashleys twin: I don't have a idea, but I just want to say something to KC about this. I lost my grandfather 6 months ago and one thing that helps me is that I now own one of his coats. It is one thing that reminds me of him.

Bryan Davis: Ashleys twin, that's an excellent idea. She could put on the coat and nuzzle in it, and then cry. That would work great if it fits.

Ashleys twin: We named a star after my grandfather for Christmas. That might also give you an idea.

Anne McDonald: (good thought, Ashleys twin. Sorry for your loss)

Ashleys twin: It's okay. I just miss him a whole lot.

Bryan Davis: Wow! Another good idea. Stargazing in the dark can set a great mood.

KC: okay - so she can look out her bedroom window as she's thinking

Bryan Davis: Yes, KC. When you have a somber mood, you need to paint it. So, we had a quick lesson on setting scenes and moods. That is SO important! Light, contrasts, symbols, clothing, etc can all be used to set a mood.

Webb kids DB: Jaina sat, looking at the picture of Rob, her grandfather, whom she couldn't believe was gone. Even though her mother still resided with her, she felt as if the house was empty, deserted, the shadow, she couldn't look at, because each one reminded of her of her loss.

Ashleys twin: I got an idea. The character might go to a place that she went with her grandpa and it could bring back memories.

Bryan Davis: Yes. Even a graveyard scene, though that's kind of cliche.

Anne McDonald: scents and sounds can also bring back memories.

Ashleys twin: scents do bring back memories.

Bryan Davis: Yes. For those who read Circles of Seven, you might have noticed how often I used light and darkness to set the moods, and I used Billy's ring as a memory symbol when I needed it. Webb_kids, your example works, too, though she probably wouldn't use his name. Good job.

Okay, I think we need to wrap up the workshop, but I'll stick around to talk about the book series if anyone wants to. Webb kids, most kids think of grandfather as just that. They don't call him by his first name.

Anne McDonald: Bryan, thanks so much. I hope we can get you back again for another workshop.

Bryan Davis:Okay, anyone have any questions or comments for me as an author or about the book series?

Remade Gold: Who was your favorite character? I'm taking a straw poll.

Bryan Davis: That's like asking who my favorite child is!!! But I have to say it's Bonnie. She is very special to me.

Ashleys twin: What is a roundabout?

Bryan Davis: A roundabout is an intersection they use in England. ... Instead of two streets crossing, they come to a circle ... And everyone goes around the circle until they get to the street they want to use.

Ashleys twin: okay. Thank you

Bryan Davis: It's confusing at first, but when you get used to it, it works really well.

Siobhan: Have you books been translated into any other languages besides English? Will they be?

Bryan Davis: Not yet. We have had many inquiries, and we're waiting to see if the foreign publishers make any offers. It's hard to wait!

Robert: We have roundabouts here in South America where 3 streets cross, so there are 6 ins and outs of the roundabouts.

Ashleys twin: That would be confusing.

Galactic: How did you get the idea to use slayers as the villains in the story, since the dragonslayer is usually the good guy in these stories? I have to admit, that was a neat twist.

Bryan Davis: The idea came from brainstorming with my son. Since I made some dragons good, it made sense to make some slayers evil. When you read the prequel, you'll see that some slayers are good. They're trying to do what's right, but a couple of them are rabid.

Ashleys twin: What's the prequel's title?

Bryan Davis: It's tentatively entitled, Eye of the Oracle. It will be out in September, God willing.

Ashleys twin: thank you.

Bryan Davis: This has been an exciting journey for me. I am so thankful for how these books have been accepted! Just last week a guy wrote and said he used the books to lead three people to Christ!

Ashleys twin: That's great about what you just said. Anyway, my mom bought me the first book and that's how I got started on your series.

Bryan Davis: I have heard that one teenager changed her mind about committing suicide. Another stopped plotting to kill his parents!

Bat: WOW! Awesome!

Ashleys twin: Oh my gosh. That's amazing.

Bryan Davis: Isn't it amazing what a spiritually based fantasy story can do?

Ashleys twin: Yes, it is.

Bryan Davis: I wish publishers would take notice and do more of them.

Siobhan: I like how there is so much to it, you can read it over and over and still find something new. I haven't found books like this before.

Bryan Davis: Siobhan, I designed them that way intentionally. I wanted to make them very deep while keep it simple enough for kids.

Ashleys twin: I am turning 16 in four days and when my mother bought me the first book I didn't know Christ. Now that I have read the first one, I have accepted Christ and I won't put the other books down. I just wanted to say thank you, Mr. Davis.

Bryan Davis: Now I really am getting tears in my eyes. Praise God!

Noelle: awesome

* Ashleys twin smiles

Bryan Davis: Ashleys twin, that is such a blessing to me. I can't explain how much I am encouraged! Thank you.

Galactic:  I just wanted to say I wish they would publish more stories like this as well.

Ashleys twin: When I got the first book I didn't even know that it was Christian.

Bryan Davis: Well, I have heard that Bonnie's prayer for Billy in The Candlestone has moved many, many hearts closer to God. I am so thankful God gave me those words!

Ashleys twin: yes!!!

*Siobhan gives Ashleys twin a hug

Ashleys twin: I am now smiling, crying, and laughing.

Bryan Davis: Ashleys twin, you might want to join our message forum. Lots of fun and encouragement there for readers of the series.

Ashleys twin: I'm already on it.

Siobhan: I just wanted to say I finished ToaD last week:) It was the best!

Bryan Davis: Thank you, Siobhan. It seems that about nine out of ten readers who have read all three like ToaD the best.

Ashleys Twin is the winner of the drawing for Tears of A Dragon. Our thanks to Bryan Davis for donating the book.

Bryan Davis: Okay. Thank you everyone. That was fun!

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Bryan Davis

Congratulations to

Ashleys Twin

for winning

an autographed copy of Tears of A Dragon

Click cover to purchase book