Dancing Word Writing Workshop

with Jill Elizabeth Nelson

 December 4, 2007

 

Hosted by Anne McDonald

Dancing Word Publisher/Editor

 

*This chat has been edited for clarity

Anne McDonald:  Let's get started. I'll open up with prayer, go over protocol and then introduce tonight's professor.

Lord, thank You so much for Your grace and mercy. Please minister to those dealing with the severe storms across our country. Protect them and meet their needs. Thank You for letting us come to learn more about writing, so we can be the best writers possible. Please bless our special guest and all of the participants. Guard and guide our time together. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Protocol reminder: When the floor is open to questions, please raise your hand by typing ? for questions, ! for comments and ga when you are finished. ga= go ahead and keeps us from stepping on each others' toes.

Tonight, I'm thrilled to introduce the author of Reluctant Runaway and Reluctant Burglar. She's so graciously offered to teach us methods for improving our skills. Please welcome Jill Elizabeth Nelson. Jill, welcome.

* Annie leads the applause and turns the floor over to Jill

* Dragon Riding Mouse applauds wildly

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Thanks so much for hosting me, Annie. And to everyone for attending. I'm excited about the material I'm about to present. Welcome again to all.

Is everyone ready for me to start with the material?

Anne McDonald:  yes!

Leanna:  absolutely

robert:  si!

sdunn:  ready

Noelle:  por supuesto

Cyndy:  ready

* Annie takes her seat and grabs a notebook

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Okay, here goes. For the sake of this workshop I will use the abbreviation for point of view, which is POV.

I'm going to present some basic POV info and then ask a question. After you answer, we'll get into the meat of the Deep POV lesson.

Every story is told from someone's POV. The job of the novelist is to decide through whose eyes the story can best be told for maximum effect.

Sounds simple, huh? In practice, there are many nuances in choosing POV.  There is First Person, where the "I" character tells the story. This POV limits the author to conveying only what "I" can know and experience. Very effective as far as staying in the mind of the POV character. Sort of Deep POV by default.

You can also foreshadow with first person in ways you can't in other POVs. For instance, you can say, "If only I had known" kind of sentences and get away with it. Because obviously the "I" character survives to the end of the story.

There is also the Omniscient Narrator POV. The story is told from the POV of an all-knowing outside party.  Very difficult to pull off well, even for a master writer. The reader is distanced from the character and emotional resonance is lost. Unfortunately, many times writers accidentally slip into the omniscient narrator POV even while telling a story from first or third person.

This amounts to author intrusion and telling. It is very distracting to a reader. This Deep POV workshop should help you to avoid doing this by knowing how to tell when you've fallen into the trap. There are a few "giveaway" types of phrases that we will discuss and help you weed out of your heartbreaking works of staggering genius, as Randy Ingermanson would say. Deep POV works best with third person narratives.

Third person is the point of view of a he or a she, usually the main character or characters. (I suppose the POV character could be an "it" if you are writing sci-fi or fantasy. LOL) In third person, it is possible to tell the story from more than one character's POV. Just not all at once.

The most effective use of third person is one POV character per scene. In this way, it is possible to convey to the reader information about the story that is outside the scope

of any one character's head and yet remain firmly grounded inside one character at a time.

This creates a grand thing called "emotional resonance" for the reader.

We want our readers to "hook on," and deep POV is a great aid in that effort. Novice writers tend to believe that letting the reader in on what's going on in every character's head will improve the story. In reality, head-hopping can confuse the reader and automatically creates distance from your characters.

It also cheats the writer of the opportunity to develop skill in conveying thought and emotion of non-POV characters through body language and dialogue. These are vital skills for a master author. Which we all want to be, eh?

Now, here's the question:  In your current heartbreaking work of staggering genius, what POV are you using? Chime in everyone.

DianaLee: Third Person

Anne McDonald:  Third Person

Dragon Riding Mouse: Third person

Leanna:  first person

Cyndy:  First person in the contemporary and third person in "flashbacks"

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Intriguing, Cyndy.

Cyndy:  I did this in my two previous books and it seems to work

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Yes, I remember that.

Dragon Riding Mouse: one character per book for me, though

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Yes, single POV in third person is possible and can be done well. Deep POV will help that.

Okay, back to protocol. I will present some more material, then I'll open for questions, then we'll go on to the next thing.

Deep POV has application for non-fiction in telling anecdotes, but it has its best effect in third person POV. Have you ever read a book that drew you into the main characters' minds so completely you felt like you were experiencing everything with them? Every sensory experience became yours as well. Didn't that deepen your pleasure in the read? Didn't that hook you more thoroughly?  So, why did that happen, and how did the writer achieve that effect?

Here are some identifying characteristics of Deep POV:

Deep POV eliminates narrator distance.

Deep POV is always immediate, which makes it excellent for high action scenes as well as a wonderful way to flow in the psyche of the character in a more contemplative moment.

Deep POV is NOT a long string of internal monologue. Far from it!

Deep POV does not use italics like direct thoughts. It remains in third person, but

doesn't feel like third person. Italics can still be used for brief snippets of direct thought.

Proper use of Deep POV will eliminate most, if not all, problems with—ick!—show/don't tell.

In order to achieve Deep POV, a writer must dig deep into their characters' personalities

In this way, it is an aid to character development.

Deep POV will not allow lazy characterization. Deep POV causes the "voice" of the POV character to sparkle and shine.

The expert user of Deep POV will know that there are times to "tell" a mundane event (such as driving to work) and a time to "go deep" when the action starts again. As in all things creative, there is rhythm and balance.

Deep POV works more effectively for some characters than others. A writer should reserve the most intense POV for the main character(s). Probably no more than two or three—the hero and/or the heroine and possibly the main villain. Readers find it hard to care deeply about more characters than that in one story.

I'm about to launch into the teaching by example portion of the lesson. But let's stop for questions first. Hit ? if you'd like to ask something before we go on.

Cyndy:  Water for Elephants is a great example of deep POV. I loved this book especially in audio.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Tell us why.

Cyndy:  The old guy POV was so rich with description... he talked about the texture of fresh fruit for example and how it felt in his mouth.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Did you feel like you were inside the POV character, experiencing everything first hand?

Cyndy:  Definitely

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Excellent. As we enjoy a book, for writers it's important for us to discern why. That way we can learn and employ effective techniques. Here goes on the examples. I find this a very effective teaching tool.

Karen Ball, my editor, taught me how to take my hum-drum POV and turn it into Deep POV. She called it show/don't tell (something I thought I knew but really didn't).

However, Deep POV and show/don't tell are two techniques so symbiotic as to be almost synonymous. As her instruction took root in me, I honestly wondered why the publisher bought my book in the sorry shape it had been in!!

I look back on the process as a quantum leap forward in craft. Hopefully, I can pass on the AHAH! moment. Therefore, I'm using before and after snippets of Reluctant Burglar to show you the difference between POV and Deep POV. Here's a segment before editorial review:

Before:

"May I look at the painting?"

"As soon as you sign this affidavit assuming responsibility for any damage your testing might cause." He produced a pen and a piece of paper.

Desiree eyed the paper with satisfaction.

Now, here's the same segment after applying Deep POV:

After: 

"May I see the painting?"

"As soon as you sign this affidavit assuming responsibility for any damage caused by your testing." He shoved a piece of paper and a pen across his desk toward her.

Desiree grinned on the inside. Gotcha!

There is more that is different here than simply adding a few action verbs.

The biggest change—the one that puts it in Deep POV—is that last sentence: Desiree grinned on the inside. Gotcha!

We are in Desi's head 100%. In the original version, I am TELLING the reader Desi's emotion—satisfaction. In the Deep POV method, I am showing the reader her satisfaction. In fact, the emotion comes across even more powerfully than mere satisfaction. It is gleeful triumph.

 Prepositions such as "with" followed by an emotion or an action inserts narrative distance and keeps the reader just a tad separated from the POV character. Yet how often do we see these kinds of sentence constructions in books?! They are common place, and yet so easy to change to Deep POV and engage the reader more thoroughly.

For instance:

He shut the door with a slam.

becomes

He banged the door shut.

Here's another example from Reluctant Burglar, before and after:

Before: Tony closed his phone, frustration and fury washing through him.

So what's the problem here? We see this kind of construction all the time in books, too.

Let's Deep POV it:

After:  Tony slapped his phone shut. If steam could escape out his pores, he'd be a toxic cloud.

Whoo! Now we FEEEEEEEL the emotion; we are not just told it.

There are certain red flag words or phrases that can signify when we are telling and not in Deep POV. Do a search and destroy for these and your manuscript will perk up.

He thought/she thought or he felt/she felt are examples of shallow POV constructions. Nix ‘em!  You should almost never have to say that your character thought or felt something. Just tell the reader what the character thinks or feels from right inside their head!

Instead of saying, "He thought the dog could use a good bath," say, "Whew! A good bath would do this dog a world of good."

Instead of, "She felt a sinking sensation in her middle," write, "Her stomach dropped to her toes."

You've conveyed the same information to the reader, but now your reader feels it (or in the case of the dog, smells it) right along with the POV character. See the difference?

robert:  :) yes

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Exception to the rule: It's okay to say he thought/she thought in dialogue.

Example: "He thinks the dog smells," Betty said with a laugh.

Anne McDonald:  What are some creative ways to handle embarrassment?

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  As an emotion in your character?

Anne McDonald:  yes

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  skin prickling, face heating, "Her insides squirmed." Anything like that which tells the reader the feeling without necessarily naming the emotion.

Okay, we've got some more questions and comments coming. Let's go to Dragon Riding Mouse.

Dragon Riding Mouse: One of the hardest emotions to convey in a character, for me, is "He felt like he was going to be sick." I know that can be improved, but how?

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  His stomach rolled. The fast food burrito he ate an hour ago did a tango in his gut. LOL

Dragon Riding Mouse: (I love that one)

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Me, too, but I was being silly.

DianaLee: Body language works. Study the way people react. I think you can use that even with POV characters. Like... averting the eyes.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Absolutely. Wonderful! Yes, indeed. Her gaze fell to her toes.

Something like that. She studied her toes.

DianaLee: Sticking hands in pockets, shuffling feet...

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Right.

Dragon Riding Mouse: I find it helpful to be able to do a deep POV from every character's POV, even though you won't do it all in one scene it helps in converting the emotion from the secondary character to the emotion of that character through the eyes of the POV character

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  As an exercise or in the final ms?

Dragon Riding Mouse: as an exercise

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Yes, sounds good as an exercise. I don't recommend it in the final ms.

Dragon Riding Mouse (me neither)

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Okay, let's continue. Here's another big baddie that's commonly used: He knew/she knew.

Instead of "She knew that if she did that, she'd fail," write, "IF she did that, she'd fail."

Boom! Just come out with it already. Don't beat around the bush with "she knew." If we're in the character's POV, the reader understands this is something she knew. See how easy it is to clean up those tells and draw the reader into Deep POV?

Here's another example of the big bad prepositional tell:

Before: Desi's skin prickled with pleasant excitement.

Deep POV:  Shadows loomed. The place reeked of ancient secrets. Desi's skin prickled.

Before: He lifted his chin with a hint of stubborn defiance.

Deep POV: "I agreed to your examination of the piece to silence any doubts. I am confident your suspicion will prove unfounded." He lifted his chin.

Comment: The reader gets the defiance by a combination of the words and action without be TOLD what the feeling was.

One more Deep POV killer: He saw/she saw (or whatever of the five senses being used.)

Before: : He could see the tip of the dog's nose peeking out of the closet.

Don't we see this type of construction all the time in books? I do. Now that I know better, it's like nails on the chalkboard to me.

Deep POV: Barry stepped through the door and scanned the room. The tip of the dog's nose peeked out of the closet. Ahah! He'd found the little critter.

See how that stays right inside Barry's head?

The verb is active, not watered down with "ing." And we've eliminated "could" and "saw," which are wasted words in this context.

If your reader knows whose POV they are in (and they'd better), why you would you need to say the character "saw," smelled," or whatever?

Just say what they saw or smelled.

Leanna:  That was a definite Aha! for me right there. :D

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Yes, I know. Me, too, when I first got this.

Dragon Riding Mouse: Another example from a scene I wrote, I think, would be: The dragon’s scales looked like a glittering wall of gold.

After: "The dragon's scales were a glittering wall of gold."

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Yes. Good.

Dragon Riding Mouse:  That seemed like an example of not beating around the bush and getting to the point.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  "looked like" is another teller

Mary: The dragon's scales glittered like a wall of gold??

Dragon Riding Mouse: (nice, thanks)

Mary: Does that strengthen or change?

Dragon Riding Mouse: (I was stuck on the metaphor)

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Excellent, Mary.  Either way is fine. Just take out "looked like"

Anne McDonald:  Also, "he started to mop the floor" would look better as "he slapped the mop onto the floor"

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Absolutely. Think of a nice metaphor for the action of mopping, also. He shoved the mop back and forth like . . .

Dragon Riding Mouse: In actions, is "like" always a bad thing as some tell me, or just if you're dealing with grammar sticklers? or descriptions?

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Like is an acceptable way to express a simile, if that's what you mean. It was the "looked" that put the narrative distance in there.

Mary: Do copy editors know these well enough not to change?

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Not all. I was blessed to get Karen! She's a marvel! Have you read any of her books? She's be a good one to study.

Mary: Yes. Great, and you are indeed blessed

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  She just released What Lies Within. I can hardly wait to dive in!

Any more questions or comments?

Leanna:  I'm ready to continue :)

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Hopefully, you all got a little Ahah! out of it.

* Annie leans forward, listening

Anne McDonald:  definitely got a few Aha's

Dragon Riding Mouse: I did, and took notes...but no questions that come to mind

Mary: Excellent ahahahah!

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Okay, the instructions said to have your ms. at hand. Do you?

Leanna:  Yep

DianaLee: Yep

Mary: Sorry

* Dragon Riding Mouse scrambles for his WIP

Anne McDonald:  getting it on screen

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  I will stay on a little while longer if anyone has a snippet to share that they'd like help "fixing" for Deep POV. If not, feel free to email me at jnelson@jillelizabethnelson.com and ask after class.

Oh, gotta get the ad in here or my editor will tsk at me. My web site is http://www.jillelizabethnelson.com and my next release, Reluctant Smuggler, comes out in January.

DianaLee: Congratulations, Jill. :)

Mary: With good fortune it will be in our shops here in Australia not too long after.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  I'm so jazzed cuz it got reviewed in Library Journal, a first for me. And it's my fav in the trilogy. Hope my readers agree.

Cyndy:  Here's a snippet of my WIP to help with:

Just a second..

Repair. Reuse. Recycle.

This may be a catchy bumper sticker in one of the “Green” states. But in my business, it’s just a handy excuse for packrats.

“My mother never seemed to throw anything away,” said my young client as she sat across from me at the scarred oak kitchen table, twirling a strand of long red hair around her index finger. “Mama always said, ‘You never know when you might need it.’”

I smiled and nodded as Professional Organizers are trained to do in a way we hope wordlessly conveys, “I feel your pain. But now it’s time to click your ruby slippers and return to the real world to rid your cupboards of all those plastic containers without lids. And trust me, dear, you have enough twist ties to supply a third world country.”

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  I like it! But since it's first person, you can do things that would create narrative distance in third person.

Cyndy:  Not sure what you mean

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  I especially like the way the POV person's voice comes through. Kind of hip and a little jaded. In third person, you would create narrative distance if you said the line about Professional Organizers in that way. But it's fine in first person.  Does that help clarify my meaning?

Cyndy:  got it, thanks!

Anne McDonald:  Here's a snippet from our first in the adventure stories. It's been bugging me:

If they still lived in Ottercove, his family would have been able to travel back to the island even if his father had to work. A wave of homesickness washed over him. He thought about everything he had been looking forward to, and his tears fell harder.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  First sentence is fine. You need to tell that bit of information.

Second sentence needs the Deep POV touch. How about: If only he could go back to Ottercove, see his friends, do all the things he'd planned. His tears fell harder. See? I "fixed" the third sentence, too! Whee! "If only" is a good Deep POV construction.

Anne McDonald:  well, actually he's homesick for Muskrat Island, his birthplace. I'll tinker with it.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Okay, wherever it was he was homesick for. Name and give specifics that resonate with the reader.

Dragon Riding Mouse: A tad of background on my scene: Drafiero, the dragon king of the Fire Islands has taken L.C. Watercress, an eleven-year old rabbit flying and on a picnic, as a gift for a certain act of bravery that L.C. performed in an earlier book...this is all in another world, btw. Right now, they are playing chess. L.C. is the main POV.

His eyes traced the path between his king and the black bishop. Then he spotted it—his knight was in perfect position to take the threatening chessman. He double checked the board. A black knight sat a backwards “L” away from the bishop. L.C. looked again. No, that piece didn’t have a horse’s head on it. It had a cross! Drafiero’s king was two moves away, blocked in by two of the dragon’s own pawns and a badly placed bishop.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Mostly excellent. But how about instead of "Then he spotted it," write "His breath caught." Saying "he spotted it" is like say "He saw." Give us a reaction inside the character. Clear as mud?

Dragon Riding Mouse: clear as glass, thanks

DianaLee: How would you apply this to narrative passages? For example... here's one from my WIP.

Daniella pressed closer to Scott’s side. His Tommy Hilfiger cologne washed over her. “Did you get the limousine?”

“They’re all booked. But I have another idea. This’ll be awesome. How about a horse-drawn carriage?”

Daniella wrinkled her nose. “All the way from here to Dawson?”

“No. We drive down in my car, then take the carriage to the Hilton. I got it covered.”

Could there be a more romantic storybook entrance? She’d arrive at the prom like Cinderella with her Prince Charming, who in this case was the first-string quarterback and sure bet for prom king. Scott Richardson had asked her to go with him just one week ago. Their preparations were rushed, but it was all coming together. Daniella had driven over an hour to Saks in Raleigh to find the most incredible sequined gown. Mom’s credit card groaned under the weight of it, but the dress would turn heads. Showing up in a horse-drawn carriage would be over the top. Total drama. As an actress, Daniella understood drama. It appeared Scott did, too. Finally, after a long string of dating disasters, she knew she’d found a keeper.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  I like the question at the beginning of the narrative passage. Very Deep POV. How about continuing that technique with: Was it just a week ago that Scott Richardson asked her to go with him? Her heart skipped.

Sure, preparations had been rushed and what a flutter to find that perfect sequined gown. Hopefully, Mom wouldn't notice the abuse of her credit card . . .

This is just an example on the fly, but you can tighten that to get right in Daniella's head.

How about: Mom better not notice the abuse of her credit card until after the magic night.

Here's a few more suggestions:

She'd turn heads, showing up in that gown. And riding a horse-drawn carriage? So-and-so (name an arch-rival) would faint dead away. At last, dating disaster had turned to triumph.

Do you see what I'm doing, Diana? Any of this helpful?

DianaLee: Yep. I'm seeing it.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Always write with the mindset that you're telling a story from someone else's head. Well, not really. It's your head, but it's a character you've created in God-like fashion. This is how writers are like the Creator. Awesome, eh?

DianaLee: J  Thank you.

Mary: Sorry have to leave - need to deal with an email from the editor of next book. Thank you so much, Jill, and I wish you every success with all your books. I love them. This on deep POV has been excellent.

Anne McDonald:  (thanks for coming, Mary)

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Thanks! Glad you could be here. Excellent blessings on your writing journey!

Dragon Riding Mouse: Would "His Tommy Hilfiger cologne filled her senses" work? Or is that breaking out of deep POV? (BTW, I have GOT to read your book, DianaLee, once it is published. I actually like a non-mushy romance once in a while.)

DianaLee: DRM—the book isn't a romance, really. I'd love to have you read it and tell me what you think!

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  It's marginal, but I have to mull on how to make it more immediate. That was an answer to DRM.

Dragon Riding Mouse: (I thought so)

Anne McDonald:  Are there any other questions? If not, we'll get ready for the drawing. Jill has offered a copy of Reluctant Burglar OR Reluctant Runaway to the winner. Thanks so much, Jill....

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Welcome!

* Annie rolls the barrel with the names inside

robert:  drum roll....

Anne McDonald:  tonight's winner is...

Anne McDonald:  Diana Lee!

* Annie does her infamous Snoopy Dance

Dragon Riding Mouse: WOOT!

DianaLee: :) :) :)

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Hip-hip! Whoo-hoo! (That's the Brit in me coming out.)

DianaLee: Wow! Thank you!

robert:  congrats

Anne McDonald:  Diana, which book would you like?

DianaLee: Which one is the first in the series?

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Email me with your address, Diana. Reluctant Burglar is first.

DianaLee: That one, then. Thank you! I'm so excited!

Leanna:  Awesome!

Dragon Riding Mouse: Thanks for coming, Jill

Anne McDonald:  Jill, thanks for such a fabulous workshop. I learned a lot.

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Great to be here!

robert:  THANK YOU JILL

Noelle:  thanks Jill

Leanna:  Much appreciated!

Dragon Riding Mouse: one of the best workshops I've been at in a while

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  I love to teach this stuff. It's like in my blood now.

Anne McDonald:   Teaching is fun. We’ll have to get you scheduled for another workshop

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  Yes, I'll be happy to come. I have other topics, too.

DianaLee: Thank you, Jill. That was awesome.

robert:  it bedtime here...so I’m out of here. :) goodnight

Noelle:  so much info :)... but it’s late... so goodnight all :)

Jill Elizabeth Nelson:  You're all welcome!

Leanna:  Have a good night, all. :)

Anne McDonald:  goodnight and blessings during this Christmas season

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